


Horizons

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-27
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5932885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Horizons

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

For Sirius.

Are you there, my love?

Do you even remember me, know me any more?

I still cry for you, cry for us. How could you do this to me?

To us?

I weep alone now, locked in this hole called my office, weeping with the pain. For me, alone without you, for Harry lost and tormented with the screams of his dying parents, for you in prison, for James and Lily, lost and betrayed. For little Peter, for Wormtail, he adored you, "worshipped you" you repaid his devotion with death, love. Love, yes I still call you love. Do you know that? Do you care?

I love you. I hate you.

I don't know anymore. I don't know myself anymore.

And yet, I sit here and wait for you. Will you come?

Are you even there, my love?

I don't know why I wrote that down. It was a lapse, a weakness that moved through my pain. Sirius is gone, and yet I write to him as if were standing with me, and I could vent the rage that consumes me at my lowest on him. And yet, I couldn't. He is my mate, my love, my strength. Ironic that I, the embodiment of death and fear, is weak, and Sirius, the epitome of freedom and life is strong, is strength to me.

Snape tries to convince Dumbledore, that I am responsible for Sirius Black's, for your escape, I wish I was. I wish I had the strength to believe you, to protect you, to help you. But instead I cower here. Hating you Sirius.

Loving you.

I dreamt you came back to me, Sirius. That we were as before. Together. I could feel your breath against my head, the warmth of your body pressed close to mine. The smell of us, our love, in the air as I drift off to sleep. Maybe that's why I wrote to you, Sirius, or maybe it is the coming of the full moon. I always return to my more, baser, instincts then.

I hold the now sealed piece of parchment in my hand, the letter I wrote to you. I let it flutter out of my hand towards the fireplace. It doesn't burn and I don't care. I lean my head down on the wood of my desk and let the exhaustion of my sleep claim me. 

+++++++++

It was the end of term, and Harry Potter watched as Professor Lupin walked away. He felt oddly bereft as the professor left. Turning to exit Lupin's office, he noticed a odd piece of sealed, folded up parchment, on the floor by the fire. When he turned it over he noticed the writing on it. The words on it shocked him, for it was addressed to Sirius. He tucked it in his pocket, he would give it to Hedwig.

She could get it to Sirius.


	2. Chapter Two

For Remus,

Harry sent me your letter.

I don't . . . I don't know how to respond. I spent years without you. Maybe I should . . . no, this is not the time for recriminations. For me. For you either Remus. You always joked that, "one needed to know ones' own self first." You said that to me, when I came to you with my feelings. I say that to you now.

Love, know yourself.

Find out who you are.

When you have done this, know that you are still my heart. You, Remus Lupin, are still my love, my mate, and I would do anything for you, with you. Know this, you are now and have always been, first in my heart. An obsession with death gave me my sanity, but you are what gave me my strength. I watched you, when I ventured into Hogwarts. You have to take better care of yourself, Moony. I couldn't bear to lose you. Not now and not ever.

Do you remember when I approached you? You told me to know myself and what I really wanted from life. You said that I could be anything, with that knowledge, but am lost without it. I knew then, that I would be lost without you. Life was so different then, the four of us were inseparable, we could not be whole without the others. Everything was meaningless to us. It was all a joke, an adventure to be laughed at tomorrow.

Now is tomorrow Remus.

Laugh.

Goodness knows there will be little to laugh about soon. But for now there are still things to laugh about, Snape for example. Harry told me of his "disappointment", and the look that appeared on his face. I was hysterical, and it was one of my more jovial moments. There are also precious few of those, both you and I need to hold on to those seconds, those moments in time were nothing matters. Look at me, I am starting to "wax the philosophical". You are a part of me, and even now, your seriousness comes out of me, even when I am telling you to laugh.

Perhaps you would think of me as a fool to laugh now, Remus. But then you always did think me a fool. Don't deny it. I am a fool.

But, I would end this the way I started, seriously. I want to tell this to you again. Dammit, I will bang this statement into your hard head Moony, my love, my mate, my strength. Know Yourself.

Then we can know each other again.

Sirius


	3. Chapter Three

Hello Sirius,

How are you old friend? I, if you would care to know, am fine. I am sorry that this letter took so long to write itself, Dumbledore has me doing some work for him. Unfortunately this work has me rather busy and I have little time for trivialities like letter writing.

I know that this sounds rather odd, but I would appreciate it if you could send me the news from around home. Anything would do. How's Harry? News about him would be appreciated too. Please take care of yourself and Harry.

Thank You for your letter

Sincerely, R. J. Lupin

P. S. The owl who brought this to you will know how to find me. Thank You again, Sirius.


	4. Chapter Four

Remus?

Remus, what are you doing to me. I don't know how to deal with this. You pour your heart out to me, I pour mine out to you, and suddenly you're a stranger who has nothing better to do than ask me to send you news!

I can't do that Remus. I can't sit here write to you and pretend that my heat's not bleeding all over the floor for you. Oh Hell, Remus. Please, listen to me. I can't live without you, knowing you, being in you, being around you. I have spent too long knowing that madness. . . too long without you.

Remus, I can't bear this. Knowing that some how I have hurt you. Was it my letter? Did I say or do something in that space of time, between the hug you gave me upon my return and the letter. Or is it me?

Am I now such a complete stranger that the only way we can keep in touch is Harry? Am I such a horrible person to you that you can't even bear to be civil to me. I know that I am ultimately responsible for James' death, I wish to God that I wasn't such an irresponsible loser. Every day in my life I sit there and curse myself for being afraid. Afraid that if ... no, I was afraid that I was going to let everybody down. That's why James died Remus because I was afraid. There, now you know, now you can go on hating me. I hate me. I can't even take care of Harry, and he needs me. Voldemort is coming back and I can't even be with him, help him, or protect him.

He just wrote me, Remus. He says that his scar is hurting him. I don't know what to do Remus, he is the second most important person in this world. I need you to be here, you always know what to do.

Oh, Love. Forget all my high ideals. I want you. I need you. I love you. Come back to me, or write me off. I can't live both ways. Please.

Sirius

+++

Hello Sirius,

It isn't you. I've tried for a long time, you know. Tried to hate you. I . . . it doesn't work. I need you. I sit here in this small room and think about how much I need you to be with me. I need you so bad that it hurts to breathe. To think.

How could you do this to me, Sirius!? I lived so long without you. You left me alone. To myself. To think thoughts that were wrong, about you, about me. You said that I should know who I am, know what I want from this life, before we could be together. Sirius, you know me. You Are my life. I need you to be with me more than I need air. More than anything.

I am alone Sirius. Alone. You are doing nothing to help me. I want you so bad. I need you so bad. Why are you doing this? Trying to get me back to you. Being nice to me, I thought you killed James, your best friend, I treated you with less respect than I would treat . . . myself. That is the word that comes to mind, the thing that I hate most, its me. I hate myself and I don't know what to do about it.

I hate myself. That's what it all comes down to. You, who are the centre of my existence, I need you to help me, to tell me that all is well.

How can I live, knowing you might not be there with me. I love you.

Remus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Remus Lupin looked around the tiny room that served as his house. It was almost nothing, thin and bare. The room house the desk that he was currently writing upon and a bed. A window let thin shafts of light into the room, to dance upon the now unlit fireplace. He looked down at the sheet of parchment in his hands. Crumpling it up, he tossed it into the meagre bag of belongings the lay beside the bed. Pulling out a fresh sheet of paper he began to compose a new letter.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Sirius,

I am sorry that you were upset by my last letter. I only meant to obtain some news from home. I am well Sirius, and hope that you are doing well also.

I am and always will be, your friend, Sirius. About Harry. I don't know what to do, send him to Dumbledore. I know that this doesn't seem like much, but it is all we can do to protect him. Beware Sirius, Voldemort is rising. The folks this away are preparing for a battle, you would be well to do the same.

Love, Remus

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sighing, he put down his quill. It was not what he meant to say, not what was on his heart. But it would do. Gathering his writings things, he moved toward the narrow window were an owl sat patiently waiting. Tying the note to it's leg and watching the bird soar into the distance, he gave the letter an addendum, a silent prayer to go to his heart, "Be well, Beloved."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Remus?

Remus, what are you doing to me. I don't know how to deal with this. You pour your heart out to me, I pour mine out to you, and suddenly you're a stranger who has nothing better to do than ask me to send you news!

I can't do that Remus. I can't sit here write to you and pretend that my heat's not bleeding all over the floor for you. Oh Hell, Remus. Please, listen to me. I can't live without you, knowing you, being in you, being around you. I have spent too long knowing that madness. . . too long without you.

Remus, I can't bear this. Knowing that some how I have hurt you. Was it my letter? Did I say or do something in that space of time, between the hug you gave me upon my return and the letter. Or is it me?

Am I now such a complete stranger that the only way we can keep in touch is Harry? Am I such a horrible person to you that you can't even bear to be civil to me. I know that I am ultimately responsible for James' death, I wish to God that I wasn't such an irresponsible loser. Every day in my life I sit there and curse myself for being afraid. Afraid that if ... no, I was afraid that I was going to let everybody down. That's why James died Remus because I was afraid. There, now you know, now you can go on hating me. I hate me. I can't even take care of Harry, and he needs me. Voldemort is coming back and I can't even be with him, help him, or protect him.

He just wrote me, Remus. He says that his scar is hurting him. I don't know what to do Remus, he is the second most important person in this world. I need you to be here, you always know what to do.

Oh, Love. Forget all my high ideals. I want you. I need you. I love you. Come back to me, or write me off. I can't live both ways. Please.

Sirius

+++++++++++++++++++++

Hello Sirius,

It isn't you. I've tried for a long time, you know. Tried to hate you. I . . . it doesn't work. I need you. I sit here in this small room and think about how much I need you to be with me. I need you so bad that it hurts to breathe. To think.

How could you do this to me, Sirius!? I lived so long without you. You left me alone. To myself. To think thoughts that were wrong, about you, about me. You said that I should know who I am, know what I want from this life, before we could be together. Sirius, you know me. You Are my life. I need you to be with me more than I need air. More than anything.

I am alone Sirius. Alone. You are doing nothing to help me. I want you so bad. I need you so bad. Why are you doing this? Trying to get me back to you. Being nice to me, I thought you killed James, your best friend, I treated you with less respect than I would treat . . . myself. That is the word that comes to mind, the thing that I hate most, its me. I hate myself and I don't know what to do about it.

I hate myself. That's what it all comes down to. You, who are the centre of my existence, I need you to help me, to tell me that all is well.

How can I live, knowing you might not be there with me. I love you.

Remus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Remus Lupin looked around the tiny room that served as his house. It was almost nothing, thin and bare. The room house the desk that he was currently writing upon and a bed. A window let thin shafts of light into the room, to dance upon the now unlit fireplace. He looked down at the sheet of parchment in his hands. Crumpling it up, he tossed it into the meagre bag of belongings the lay beside the bed. Pulling out a fresh sheet of paper he began to compose a new letter.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Sirius,

I am sorry that you were upset by my last letter. I only meant to obtain some news from home. I am well Sirius, and hope that you are doing well also.

I am and always will be, your friend, Sirius. About Harry. I don't know what to do, send him to Dumbledore. I know that this doesn't seem like much, but it is all we can do to protect him. Beware Sirius, Voldemort is rising. The folks this away are preparing for a battle, you would be well to do the same.

Love, Remus

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sighing, he put down his quill. It was not what he meant to say, not what was on his heart. But it would do. Gathering his writings things, he moved toward the narrow window were an owl sat patiently waiting. Tying the note to it's leg and watching the bird soar into the distance, he gave the letter a, an addendum, a silent prayer to go to his heart, "Be well, Beloved."


End file.
